THE
GRIEF WE FEEL AT THE LOSS OF A PET
We
all grieve when we lose a Pet, this is a natural reaction
because the feelings we have are so special, the term
is “the human-companion animal bond” and
when broken there is a feeling of loss which can at
times be overwhelming.
Often
friends and relations do not offer a grieving pet owner
much sympathy, and the comment of....”it was only
a dog.....” or “yes, she was a pretty cat.......”
are the only words of sympathy or understanding together
with the question “what are you going to get now?”
Such comments would not be acceptable if you had lost
a friend or family member and quite rightly you would
receive emotional support.
It
is generally accepted that although we need the same
support when we lose a companion animal as we do when
we lose a family member or friend, we actually usually
receive far less. Veterinarians are also now beginning
to realise that their final obligation to their patient
also involves the owners grief, this at times is also
very difficult because often the death of a pet is stressful
even to professionals and they may find it easier to
cope by detaching themselves - not always very helpful
to a grieving owner.
Euthanasia
is always the most difficult choice for a pet owner
- but frequently it is the right choice for your pet,
certainly from the human point of view. Illness may
prolong the suffering of both the pet and the pet owner.
Discuss euthanasia frankly with your vet. If you wish,
make sure that you spend a little time with your pet
to say “goodbye”.
It
is important for you to understand that the intravenous
drug does not cause any pain, but you may wish to stroke
the animal’s head and speak gently as the drug
is administered and your pet goes quietly to sleep as
this makes a peaceful transition.
Some owners may choose not to witness their pets passing
and say their “goodbye” after they have
passed on. In these circumstances many Crematoria provide
for after care of the pet and owner which should include
facilities to view your pet in a Chapel of Rest prior
to the cremation taking place.
HOW
SHOULD I FEEL?
When a pet dies there is no right way
to feel or formalise the grief. Services may be arranged
through a pet crematorium where you may request a viewing
time, photos or have some of the pets effects placed
with them. It is very emotional especially when the
pet was an integral part of the family, it is often
helpful to understand the grieving process because when
a pet dies there is no ritual to formalise the grief,
many would feel a funeral for the family pet to be eccentric
or bizarre, however the loss of a pet affects our emotions
and the progress through several stages is detailed
below.
YOU
MUST SAY “GOODBYE”
At
some point, if you have a pet, you will need to make
final arrangements for your Pet. All crematoria
offer different and varied facilities,
it is helpful to contact and visit the pet crematoria
of your choice, it can be much easier emotionally to
ask the questions which are important to YOU before
the time comes to ensure they can meet your requirements.
Individual/Private
Cremation of your pet will give you the opportunity
to decide what you would like to do with your pets remains,
of course it is possible to bury the remains, scatter
them in a favourite place, store them in a Columbarium
(where additional pets may be placed together or alternatively
you may join them when your time comes) or they may
be kept in a decorative urn or casket as home. There
are many options so it can be helpful to speak to the
Crematoria of your choice.
It does sometimes soften the impact
of loss by placing a Memorial either in your own garden,
selected area or at the crematoria of your choice -
a place where you may visit and remember the happier
times with your pet. This may be combined with a landscaped
area such as flowering trees, water features, rockery
etc., a pleasant place to visit from time to time.
Questions you may wish to ask Pet Crematoria
when choosing one for YOUR Pet.
1. Is the crematorium a member of any recognised trade
association?
2. Do I require a coffin for my pet?
3. Can I have an individual/private cremation with my
pets ashes returned?
4. How and in what are the ashes returned?
5. Do I get my own pets ashes back?
6. May I bring my pet to you if I chose to do so?
7. Will you collect my pet if I do not feel able to
bring him/her?
8. Do you cremate my Pet at your premises or send them
elsewhere?
9. Is it possible to visit the premises?
10. Do you have a Chapel of Rest where I can view my
pet?
11. Have you gardens to visit, inter or scatter ashes?
12. May I have my pets details recorded in a Book of
Remembrance?
13. Does the crematorium supply Memorials should I require
one?
14. What is the cost and what does that cost include?
15. Do you have a brochure available?
LEARNING
TO COPE?
There are several stages of grief that
you must go through before the final resolution
Stage
One - Denial - Often the
first response for many pet owners giving them a buffer
against the sharp emotional shock.
Stage
Two - Bargaining - Faced
with an impending loss, often bargains are made offering
conditions should the pet be spared, such as “If
Sooty gets better, I will walk him every day..........never
put him in kennels again...........never get cross with
him when......”
Stage
Three - Anger - This is
part of the grieving process, but anger can be obvious
by showing hostility and aggression, or the anger may
be turned inward and show as guilt. Sometimes this anger
can be shown towards the Vet who has been caring for
the pet in the form of questions like “what happened?
I thought you were looking after my dog but you killed
him!” or “you never really liked Sammy you
just took my money now I’ve lost my pet!”
All outbursts help to relieve frustrations
but this is usually at the expense of someone else.
Owners also often dwell on the past, “if only.....”
the regrets are endless. It really makes no difference
whether these doubts are founded or not, recriminations
do little to relieve the anger. Speaking to someone
who has been through a similar experience can often
help.
Stage
Four - Grief - True sadness
that the pet is gone, together with guilt, anger and
the emptiness which remains. This is the time when you
really need the help and support of family and friends,
but sadly difficult to find. Lack of proper support
prolongs the grief stage so it may be that the pet owner
will wish to seek help from a pet crematoria or bereavement
counsellor.
Be assured that it is normal and is
acceptable for you to display grief when a companion
animal dies, it is also helpful to recognise that other
pet owners have experienced similar strong emotions
and that you are certainly not alone in this feeling
of grief. Do not ever feel embarrassed or ashamed, your
pain is very real and your loss heavy.
The
Final Stage - Resolution
- All things pass in time - even grief, as time passes
by the sadness evolves into remembering the happy times,
and often help comes in the form of another pet or companion
animal to fill the void. Always remember you are NOT
replacing your beloved friend, nothing and no one could
do that, you are merely filling a very deep void in
your heart with another love for a new companion - time
to complete the healing. |
